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The answer to the question can be determined by
examining parental behaviour from very early on. As parents nurture their
children and act in their presence, they provide powerful lessons that will set
the tone for what kind of adults their children will turn out to be.
Two key ingredients can go a long way to developing
your child to be of good character:
1.
Helping them to take responsibility for their actions;
2.
Helping them to participate in doing good deeds.
When two-year-old Jacob spills his juice, the parent
has several choices in how to respond. Jacob can be scolded; ignored; helped to
clean up the mess or the parent can clean it up alone. Each response carries its
own message to Jacob. Scolding is upsetting in itself and teaches Jacob to avoid
getting caught. Ignoring suggests the spilled juice doesn’t matter and the
behaviour can be repeated. The parent cleaning up for Jacob suggests Jacob has
no responsibility what-so-ever for his actions and thus he can do as he pleases.
Finally, the parent engaging Jacob in the cleaning process without scolding
suggests there is a natural consequence to behaviour and he must assume some
responsibility for restoring or repairing the situation.
When Jacob is four-years-of-age and he aggressively
takes a toy from another child, again the parent has choices in how to respond.
However, if the parent explains to Jacob how he hurt the other child’s feelings,
has him apologize, return the toy and then negotiate sharing, Jacob learns the
impact of his behaviour on others, restitution and then negotiation.
Based upon these experiences, when six-year-old
Jacob breaks a window playing ball, you have increased the likelihood that Jacob
will return to you on his own to report the accident and seek your help to clean
the mess and correct the situation. He will have learned that you are caring,
reasonable and responsible and he will be following the behaviour you modeled
and taught him. He will act less with a concern of punishment and fear and more
with a concern for caring and responsibility.
To further their children’s good character, parents
are advised to encourage their children to join them in practicing “good deeds”.
A good deed is when someone does something for someone else without being asked
or without expecting anything in return. We teach children about good deeds by
their observing our good deeds. We also teach about good deeds when we ask our
children to help out, with only providing our thanks in return. Our thanks can
of course include expressions of affection!
Through good deeds, children learn that the world
doesn’t just revolve around them, but includes other who may benefit from our
help. At first the reward may come from our praise, but as the child ages, they
learn to derive satisfaction themselves from helping others. Children can help
clear the table, help the neighbour with the yard, share a toy and join us when
we do our volunteer work.
Being of good character doesn’t need to happen by
chance. Parental behaviour that encourages children to take responsibility for
their actions, correct situations and practice good deeds can go a long way to
assuring kids grow up to be of good character.
Gary Direnfeld is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique
on a Section 112 (social work) report.
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