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In some instances the allegations of both parents
are unfounded. The parents are like oil and fire and simply do not get along.
They both may be hurt for the demise of the relationship. They may feel
embarrassed for the breakdown and need to vilify the other. Each stakes out the
position of being hard done by the other thus gaining the sympathy of friends
and family.
In other instances mutual allegations are founded.
Both have in fact acted untoward. Both have acted poorly although not abusively.
Yet, neither takes responsibility and both use the transgressions of the
other to legitimize their own.
Pity the children whose parents are so locked in
mutual despise. The child becomes the battleground. Each parent begrudges the
child’s relationship to the other. Even though a parent may hold their tongue,
the attitude still exudes. The child lives with their distain.
The child is between a rock and a hard place. To
survive they learn to mask their feelings. To avoid the disapproval of their
parents they align with each parent through negative comments about the other.
So when with mom the child tells bad stories of dad to gain mother’s approval
and minimize tensions with her. Then with dad the child tells bad stories of mom
to gain his approval and minimize tensions with him. Sadly though, the strategy
only feeds the conflict between the parents as they feel more justified in their
position with the new ammunition delivered by the child. Thus the parental
conflict escalates and the child is subject to greater hostility.
Eventually the child breaks down under the strain of
conflict between despising parents. The child’s distress may take the form of
school related problems, anxiety, depression, bullying, victimization and even
physical complaints such as headaches and stomachaches. Because of the
pre-existing parental animosity and then stories of the child, both parents
blame each other for the child’s distress. Both parents present self-righteously
in their position and both parents are remarkably defensive towards any
insinuation that their behaviour may be contributory to the child’s distress.
Both parents present with a profound sensitivity to feeling blamed. Discussing
their dynamic with one parent can trigger a defensive barrage of the issues of
the other parent.
In situations like these, favourable outcomes for
the child are best achieved by working with both parents.
The service provider must be well experienced in
working with such high conflict situations and the dynamics as described. The
approach requires expertise with clinical assessment, mediation, education and
reconciliation counselling.
Eventually, the parents must be brought along to
understand that their antagonistic tug of war is the toxicity hurting their
child. In some situations both parents feel they must let go of the rope at the
same time. In other situations some parents take the position that the other
parent must go first with regard to making amends or changes. The challenge is
to achieve a plan for both parents that encourages a relaxation of the animosity
and new collaborative behaviour. Finally, the child needs to be brought into a
session with both parents where they demonstrate their maturity by cooperating
for the child’s sake and grant permission for the child to love both parents
equally.
One never knows at the outset, if one or both
parents can muster the maturity to take responsibility for their contribution to
conflict. However, there is a secret to ending tugs of war… Only one side has to
let go. The question is who is going to step up first.
What's a kid to do? Send both parents for help!
Gary Direnfeld is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique
on a Section 112 (social work) report.
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