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There may be concerns of drugs or alcohol; school
performance; and/or the influence of the peer group. The teen may be described
as depressed, anxious, angry or even suicidal.
The parent wants the counsellor to meet with their
son or daughter. The subtext is a parent wanting the counsellor to talk some
sense into their child. The hope is that the counsellor can wag an even
bigger finger in front of the teen for an effect more profound than that of the
parent or miraculously get the teen to open up.
Wagging fingers doesn’t work. If the teen isn’t
talking to their parents, then dragging them off to the counsellor as an agent
of the parent likely won’t work either. If the teen does meet first with the
counsellor and does talk, what is often heard is a litany of complaints about
the parents. The counsellor is next in the middle between parents and teen
playing “he said, she said”. So what is a parent to do?
Parents are advised to meet with the counsellor
together, ahead of their son or daughter. This achieves several objectives:
1.
Parents can provide a detailed description of their concern and the
history of the problems. The counsellor then has a broader perspective to
understand the issues than what the teen would likely provide.
2.
Some teens (like adults) view counselling as stigmatizing. The counsellor
may be able to avoid this by arriving at a clinical diagnosis of the problem.
This means that on the basis of the parents’ description, the counsellor may
come to an understanding of the problem and can direct the parents accordingly.
If the counsellor can offer meaningful direction without even seeing the teen,
then the teen may be spared feeling stigmatized. If need be though, the
counsellor can still meet with the teen directly.
3.
The parents will have had the opportunity to check out the counsellor and
determine if they are comfortable trusting their son or daughter’s care to this
person. Not all counsellors are alike and the parents may prefer the approach or
values of one counsellor to another.
Lastly, parents must understand that the counsellor
doesn’t live with the teen. The parents do. Even though the focus of what
brought the teen into counselling may begin with their behaviour and problems,
at some point the counselling must take focus on a positive direction and look
for solutions with parents as partners. The solutions should include not
only what not to do, but include clear direction for what to do. Dwelling on the
problems will leave participants immersed in the negative, living in the past.
Refocusing and developing positive strategies for improving relationships and
behaviour can redirect both parents and teen to positive ends.
So, if you are looking for counselling for your
teen:
1.
Meet with the counsellor first.
2.
Determine if your teen needs to be seen in discussion with the counsellor
at this meeting.
3.
Remember, the counsellor doesn’t live with your teen. Counselling may be
directed to help parents better guide, manage or influence their teen.
4.
If your teen does attend counselling, your participation remains crucial.
5.
After determining and addressing the problems, the focus must shift to
positive working solutions that are future oriented and facilitate parent-teen
relationships.
6.
If ever you are uncertain, ask questions!
The
goal: Relief from distress and well-adjusted teens.
Gary Direnfeld is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique
on a Section 112 (social work) report.
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