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There is remarkably little protest or variation.
"Bedtime is the one area where our routine has not wavered," says mom Eleanor.
"Since the boys were toddlers, we've been doing the same thing, and now it's
automatic. This is usually the calmest period our day."
Regular schedules provide the day with a
framework that orders a young child's world. Although predictability can be
tedious for adults, children thrive on sameness and repetition. "Knowing what to
expect from relationships and activities helps children become more confident,"
says Dr. Peter Gorski, assistant professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical
School in Cambridge, Massachussetts.
Routines begin from the first days of life,
says Susan Newman, a social psychologist in New Jersey, affecting the
relationship between parent and child, setting the stage for rocky or smooth
sailing as your child gets older. Babies, especially, need regular sleep and
meal schedules and even routines leading up to those activities (a story every
day before nap- or bedtime, for example).
As she gets older, when a child knows what is
going to happen and who is going to be there, it allows her to think and feel
more boldly and freely, Gorski adds. When a child does not know what to expect,
his internal alarms go off. Ultimately, parents benefit as well: "Knowing what
is expected cuts down on parenting struggles," says Jodi Mindell, child
psychologist and author of Sleeping through the Night (HarperCollins).
Tips for Implementing Routines
Plan regular mealtimes: "It is so
valuable to the developing spirit of children to have one meal together each day
as a family," Gorski says. Sitting together at the dinner table gives children
the opportunity to share their day's experience and get support for whatever
they're feeling. The emphasis is on togetherness, so if your children need to
eat earlier, at least give them dessert while you eat your meal. This is also an
ideal time to introduce routines that give children responsibility, such as
setting or clearing the table. Older children can be pre-dinner helpers and
washer-uppers.
Wind down before bed: Consistent
nightly rituals are soothing and take the battle out of bedtime. But after an
exhausting day, it's tempting to skip the preliminaries when bedtime finally
approaches. Don't, stresses Mindell: "About 20 to 30 minutes of calm, soothing,
and consistent activities get children ready." Find what works best for your
child—some children are revved up by a bath or fidgety when listening to a
story. Yours may prefer doing a puzzle together or listening to music. For older
children, bedtime is an ideal time for conversation. My 12-year-old son likes me
to sit on his bed and talk for a few minutes before he goes to sleep.
In general, make the room conducive for sleep.
Set aside a time each week for room cleanup (another important routine!), when
your child puts away toys and books and you change the linens.
Be consistent but flexible: Routines
are essential, but allow some room for flexibility. Although the Osborne family
thought their bedtime routine was a blessing, there have been some problems
recently. "I was completely rigid about my oldest son's bedtime, and he is now
incapable of veering from that routine. If we are out later than his bedtime, he
becomes upset," Eleanor says.
Unexpected events, like surprise guests or
errands that cannot be postponed, may result in a nap in the car seat or a
skipped meal. But if we react with frustration when this happens, our kids will,
too. Try to prepare your child ahead of time for the change and reassure them
that things will return to normal tomorrow.
Liza Asher is a
mother of four and writes on parenting issues for national magazines. She lives
in Montclair, New Jersey.
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