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Erikson discussed various stages of human
development in terms of opposing forces meant to be reconciled for the
successful transition to the next stage. Of interest to the issue of New Years
resolutions, is the final stage of life Erikson talks about. The opposing forces
to be reconciled are conceived of as “integrity versus despair”.
To understand, imagine you are old, very old, and on
your deathbed. From your deathbed you are taking stock of life. Now imagine you
have a ledger, a balance sheet, and into it you are noting on one side, those
things about which you feel good when taking stock of your life. On the other
side of the ledger you are noting those things about which you feel bad.
According to Erikson, if those things about which you feel good outweigh the
bad, then you die with integrity – a good feeling about yourself and your life.
If however the things about which you feel bad, outweigh the good, then you are
assumed to die in despair, feeling poorly about yourself and life.
The goal of course, is to die with integrity.
Here’s the rub. By the time you are on your
deathbed, the ledger has already been written. It has been written by all the
behaviors and choices made throughout your life leading to the time of your
passing. By the time you are on your deathbed, it is too late to undo mistakes
of the past. They are now taken to the grave.
This concept has profound implications for the
behaviors and choices we undertake today particularly in view of New Year’s
resolutions.
With every single decision, we are thus in the
position of asking ourselves, will this lead to integrity or will this lead to
despair? Will this decision or behaviour enhance my life and those of my loved
ones or will it detract? In the end, the real end, will this cause me to feel
good about myself?
As such we are all in the position of dying with
integrity. Integrity in death will be achieved by choices and behaviour we make
now. Integrity in death may require correcting for previous choices and
behaviors to date. It may mean stopping some behaviors or improving others. The
point is, start now.
If you are thinking of a New Year’s resolution,
truth is, you are looking to save yourself from despair. You are on the right
track. The only thing left to do is ensure you stick with your resolution vow,
to move on with integrity.
So for this New Year, clip this article and pin it
where it can remind you of your pledge, or write out the word “integrity” and
place it in your wallet as an ongoing reminder.
Integrity is the granddaddy of all New Year’s
resolutions worth remembering for all the new years.
(FYI - You don't have to wait for New Years!)
Gary Direnfeld is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique
on a Section 112 (social work) report.
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