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Siblings vie for parental attention as well as
access to family resources such as the television, computer, telephone and so
on. However in families where there is a child with special needs the impact on
the other siblings can take on added proportions.
By virtue of a child’s special needs, more attention
and parental and family resources are drawn to that child. This in and of itself
can set the stage for resentment or animosity with other siblings. Further,
additional responsibilities placed on the other siblings for the direct care of
the one with special needs can add to bad feelings. The other siblings may
surface questioning matters as, “Am I my brother’s keeper”?
From the social work perspective, it is often cited
that children should not take on parental duties. When this does occur we refer
to such children as “parentified”. The connotation is negative and the concern
is that the child may have responsibilities beyond their ability to handle
causing them to face ongoing failure or, it may build resentment when their
burdens feel greater than observed in their friends.
The truth is though that having a sibling with a
special need can provide remarkable opportunity for the other siblings to learn
lessons in humanity. Far from the concern for negative implications, positive
outcomes include sensitivity to others and a remarkable ability to contribute to
the betterment of society be it at the local community level on behalf of
disadvantaged populations, or the larger community through social action and
social policy.
As such, to be one’s brother’s keeper is not
inherently bad or good. The outcome will more likely depend on the temperament
of the child and how the needs of the child with special needs are managed in
view of resources and the needs of the other siblings. Strategies to facilitate
the positive adjustment and support of the other siblings include:
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A profound appreciation for their help and/or
sacrifice: This is not to say parents
seek to spoil the other siblings so as to compensate, but rather express
verbally and through acts of affection their appreciation for efforts
towards the sibling with special needs. Thank you can carry significant
meaning – even from parents to children.
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Manageable expectations – behaviourally and
emotionally: Parents need to be sure
that whatever they ask of the other siblings, it is within their ability to
provide. If asking one to look after (baby-sit) another, make sure the child
is emotionally comfortable. It can be scary to be left at home at the best
of time, let alone with the responsibility of another.
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Tuning in: Parents need to encourage the
other siblings to talk about family life. Some kids may need to be drawn out
for such discussions. The purpose is to help them express their feelings.
The challenge for the parents is not to correct or solve problems per se,
but to actively listen such that they feel heard. Simply having a voice and
expressing a voice is therapeutic. Siblings should not be denied their
feelings, which will change over the course of life and experience.
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Providing special time
: Just as parents of
children with special needs require respite, the other siblings require
similar respite but in the company and attention of their parents. This
recharges their emotional reserves, enabling them to return refreshed with a
positive disposition.
There is nothing unreasonable about having
expectations on siblings to participate or help in the care of another sibling.
This is a function of the situation and a fact of their life. Emotional
adjustment will in part depend on how the situation is approached and managed.
The above strategies can help.
Gary Direnfeld is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique
on a Section 112 (social work) report.
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