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Children this young can
learn to manipulate parents through the parent’s emotions. If I make you feel
bad about what you are doing, then maybe you will stop making me do...
To change this behaviour, start by ignoring your
child’s statements while maintaining your expectation that the child do as told.
Discussing your child’s statements or answering back gives attention to
the behaviour and reinforces it. This will only make it more likely your child
will continue to tell you they hate you. In other words, your good intentions
backfire. Therefore, do not answer back. Then, when your child does do as told,
provide feedback - now you're putting away your crayons... or whatever.
The key is to not get caught up in your child’s negativity - especially with
your own. Keep your attention on redirecting your child back to task.
When your child is talking and behaving appropriately,
give all kinds of positive attention. We call this "Catch a kid being good".
This is also when you say how much you love each other. The challenge is to
remember to catch your child when behaving well. This makes a big difference.
As for "don't look at me," preschoolers are beginning
to develop a sense of privacy. However, when a preschooler is seeking privacy,
they are likely to do so quietly. If a child is seeking privacy to get out of
doing as told, then the child is trying to control you. If you submit, your
child will be the boss, not you. Remember to ignore, redirect and provide
feedback when behaving well.
The same rules hold true for when preschoolers hit
their parents. Ignore and redirect to the task at hand. Forgo any discussion on
the matter as this only provides attention and actually reinforces the
behaviour. Certainly never hit back. This only models bad behaviour and creates
anger and resentment in the child. They will only want to get back at you.
When your preschooler hits you, you can also use time out. In a firm but quiet
voice say, "No hitting.” Then take your child quietly by the forearm and lead to
a step or chair. Your child should sit there until settled and quiet - and then
for five or ten seconds more. Time out is time away from anything fun or
rewarding. If you are sending your child to their bedroom and they just go and
play, then this is not time out and will only reward misbehaviour. Don’t ask
your child if he is ready to be quiet or release at their request. You must
observe their quiet behaviour. Then you release your child to do as directed.
Once listening and doing as told, provide feedback telling your child so. Catch
them being good.
If your child is used to
being in control of you and you start to turn things around, be prepared for
protesting. Your child will not like loosing control of you. In the short run
your child will try harder to get you to submit to their will. They may tell you
louder that they don’t love you, they may hit harder and they may scream or
tantrum.
You must outlast your
child’s protesting. If you give in, then you just teach them how demanding they
must be in order to get their way again. Giving in while your child is
protesting can create worse behaviour. If your child is screaming and yelling
while in time out, watch from a distance to make sure they are safe, but
otherwise ignore until settled. This can take great patience and you may need
support yourself in order to outlast your child.
Behaviour can change
rapidly; usually within three to ten days when using these strategies. The first
few days can be especially trying. The trick is keeping your cool when under
stress, redirecting behaviour where you can, ignoring behaviour that is a
nuisance but not serious, using time out for misbehaviour that is truly out of
line and most importantly, reinforcing behaviour that is appropriate – catching
a kid being good!
Gary Direnfeld is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique
on a Section 112 (social work) report.
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