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style of coffee maker; ages 6 to 12 would be like
the brewing stage; and finally, the teen would be like the coffee in the pot.
When choosing a parental partner, like choosing
coffee beans, choice is everything. You can go with a single make of bean or a
blend. Some blends work more easily together than others. If the blend is
complex, then more attention may be required when roasting or at the other
stages of the production process. The point is not to necessarily avoid the
blend, but to plan in advance for the differences in production that may be
necessary to accommodate the blend. (In reality all parental partners represent
a blend.)
In the past, most coffee was percolated. However,
now we know that percolators, automatic drip, French press, espresso machines,
and more, can make good coffee. Each style of coffee maker yields a slightly
different flavour, even if the selection of beans remains the same. Further,
each coffee maker requires a different set of instructions. So too with raising
kids. Depending on family circumstance, different care or procedures may be
necessary to develop healthy well-adjusted teens. Children from underserved
areas or financially burdened situations may need extra attention from school or
social services to compensate for other hardships or deficiencies. Meanwhile,
children from privileged situations may need help to gain a greater sense of
community responsibility and awareness of those less fortunate than themselves –
so as not to become over-flavoured in the end.
The brewing stage, like kids 6 to 12 years old, is
when most folks step back and let the machine do its thing. So what ever is in
place by this age sets the tone as the machine churns away. The beans were long
since collected and roasted and the coffee is now in the particular roaster. All
subsequent activities, events etc., are thus carried out within the context of
the bean, the roast and the coffee maker. Knowing the choice of beans, how they
were roasted and the kind of coffee maker, we can predict the end flavour of the
coffee.
If for whatever reasons, there is a problem with the
production process, different corrections can be made at any stage to still
yield a favourable end result. However, depending on the stage of production,
only certain corrective options are available. You cannot “unselect” coffee
beans, nor can you “unroast” them. However, during the roasting process, some
corrections can be made, much like opportunities of in-utero procedures to
correct medical or physical conditions. If the coffee is brewing, but the
coffeemaker is not working properly, you can look into getting it fixed, or even
changing roasters mid brew. Either way, things will hopefully be better, but you
have to know the final brew may never be quite the same. The experience will
shape the taste of the coffee. If there is parental conflict or other social
problems, the situation can be repaired or changed, yet some effect may remain
with the children. The goal is to now improve a situation that was proving to be
harmful or at least proving to not fulfill the potential of the child.
By the time the coffee is in the pot, there are
fewer corrective options available. If the brew is bitter, sugar may be added,
if too strong, perhaps milk. But, the basic flavour remains. It is most
difficult to tinker with coffee once it is in the pot as compared to making
changes along the way.
The moral of the coffee story is this: Good teens start with good
beans. Consider all aspects of the production process, or in childcare terms,
the developmental needs of your kids. Do so and you will have a better
likelihood of well-adjusted teens. If problems occur, take corrective measures
as early as possible. It’s never too late to intervene, but early interventions
make for better outcomes.
Gary Direnfeld is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique
on a Section 112 (social work) report.
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