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When mired in conflict or
parenting challenges, some parents reasonably turn to counselling. They look for
strategies to manage their children’s behaviour. They seek better forms of
behavioural control or discipline. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as
children do need to learn limits and internalize rules. However, a focus just on
behaviour and discipline can give rise to ongoing bad feelings between parents
and children. Resentment can continue to build on both sides. Focussing only on
behaviour leaves out a vital ingredient for parents and children to both feel
great about themselves and the relationship. It may sound corny, but that
ingredient is joy.
Finding and expressing joy in
children tells them they are of value. As children feel and experience their
parents finding joy in them, spirits lighten and bad feelings can fade. Rather
than being mired in challenges and conflict, attention is directed to good
times, good feelings and cooperation. Parents and children experience a
different kind of emotional energy; one through which they can return to talking
and discussion as a means of mediating behaviour rather than relying upon
control and enforcement.
Reflecting on joy, one
parent writes:
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It somehow brought their preciousness back to life for me and I realized
that there are definitely times that it’s difficult to appreciate or feel loving
towards our children until we revisit the times it was so easy to love them.
The challenge in using joy as a
means to rekindling parent-child relationships and better feelings is that some
parents may have forgotten how or where to find joy. A survey of parents
involved in early childhood education, social work and family therapy provides
the following suggestions for finding joy in children:
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Catch them doing something right.
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Watch your children when they are asleep.
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Remind your children of the pleasure and pride
you take in them.
Reflecting on the outcome of
using joy on her now adult children another parent writes:
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Having 3 very headstrong boys, when they were teens, I used to go into
their bedrooms after they were asleep and just look at them and remember when
they were babes curled up in their cribs. I also thought of times when they gave
me laughter and tears of pride. I knew down deep that they would grow into
responsible adults who not only would be my sons, but my friends. That got me
through some rough times – did not resolve conflict, but did give me a better
perspective and some patience the next day.
Mired in challenges or conflict with your children?
Then think about finding joy in them. For more examples of how other parents
find joy in their children, click here:
Joy - Survey and Results.
Gary Direnfeld is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique
on a Section 112 (social work) report.
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