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Praise, like any tool for raising
kids, can be used inappropriately. Praise tends to imply
attaching a value to a child for demonstrating particular behaviour.
However, children are valuable and should be loved for the mere fact that
they exist. Even though there is a connection, there is also
a difference between valuing children and facilitating appropriate behaviour.
While it is true that children who are valued tend to behave and perform
better, children who are only praised and whose misbehaviours are not dealt
with, tend to believe everything they do is all right and that the world
revolves around them. This in turn leads to the development
of self-righteousness.
Self-righteousness can best be described as an attitude about oneself.
It is characterized by a feeling of being important to the exclusion of
anyone else, so that what the child wants or feels or does, counts for
everything above anyone else. Kids with this kind of
attitude tend to be bossy, telling others what to do, or loners because no one
else can measure up. While valuing a child is absolutely important for the
development of a healthy sense of self, praise without direction, feedback and
consequences, turns out to be a prescription for a self-righteous attitude.
Rather than self-righteousness, self-esteem is the true prize to be sought in
terms of a child's healthy sense of self. Self-esteem is
relational. With self-esteem the child not only feels good
about his or herself individually, but also in relation to others.
Self-righteousness is egocentric while self-esteem is social.
Children with healthy self-esteem understand and respond to limits. They feel
good about themselves at no one else's expense. These
children tend to be kind and considerate.
Gary Direnfeld is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique
on a Section 112 (social work) report.
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