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1.
Have a suitable courtship period.
The purpose of courtship is to
ensure compatibility prior to marriage. When children are involved, the issue of
compatibility extends to the potential stepparent/stepchild relationship and
between potential stepsiblings. Families each have their own culture, and their
own rituals. During the courtship process, the adults and children use the time
to learn and experience their family differences with the view to determining
compatibility, adaptation and change. This can only occur over time and a year
or two would be a reasonable minimal period for such courtship. Guessing how the
kids will respond, adapt or change to anniversaries, birthdays, religious
holidays, etc., places them and the blended family at risk. Experiencing and
planning for these events during courtship will give some clue as to what to
expect after blending and give time to plan.
2.
Consider how the kids should address new partners.
During courtship you didn’t
expect the kids to call the potential stepparent as mom or dad, but with
marriage, many parents do expect this change. For some children this represents
an enormous emotional adjustment. Some kids just don’t view the stepparent in
the same capacity as a parent and they may fear upsetting their other parent
when calling the stepparent mom or dad. As such, what the children call
stepparents must be a matter of discussion, not only between parent and
stepparent, but also with natural parents and then with the kids. The degree to
which this can be sorted out in advance of marriage, the greater the likelihood
of a smooth transition. Names do matter and showing respect can go a long way to
facilitating adjustment.
3.
Find an “up-side” for the kids.
The choice to marry is based upon
the adults’ desire for a significant intimate relationship. However from the
child’s perspective, they can perceive themselves losing time with the newly
married parent. Further, they may now have to share other family resources and
there may be a change in residence away from familiar community, friends and
school. As such, kids may begrudge the new family and take out their upset on
the new stepparent as the source or cause of change. The additional risk in
these situations is when the child then complains to the other parent, seeking
to avoid the newly blended family. The other parent will likely take the child’s
side and try to minimize their upset. Frequently this takes the form of a
challenge to the access regime with more restricted access to the newly blended
family so as to keep the child away from the upsetting situation.
However, this only creates new problems. Allowing time for new
relationships to develop and facilitating a tangible benefit to the child in the
midst of the changes can minimize the risk of this situation.
4.
Determine issues of responsibility and authority.
Adults entering into blended
families need to discuss expectations and the limits of authority for the care,
management and discipline of each other’s children. Planning in advance and
having the children experience these clearly set structures help the children
learn and adjust to new rules.
A new partner can be a wonderful
and refreshing experience for separated parents. However, before moving too
quickly to marriage or co-habitation, it is best to take time to facilitate
adjustment. The purpose of this is to increase the probability that the newly
blended family will succeed for everyone and thus limit the chance of another
failed marriage with all the disruption it brings to the children.
Do develop and enjoy new relationships. This is natural
and healthy. Do so with sensitivity to your children’s adjustment. It really
does take considerable time, energy and discussion.
Gary Direnfeld is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique
on a Section 112 (social work) report.
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