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Not to worry said another physician, “By the time we
get the patient to the operating room, she’ll be dead.” Needless-to-say, this
did not sit well with the intern who immediately paged another physician… and
the drama unfolded.
Some pending divorces look like that medical drama.
The parties have their lawyers; the family has long since taken sides; the
dispute is underway; there appears an inevitability to the divorce, yet the
marriage may not yet be dead.
Typical of marital discord, one party is more
dissatisfied than the other and has contemplated separation long before the
other. As such, that party is further down the road in terms of emotional
adjustment. The initiating party may have talked with family, friends and
colleagues, who on the basis of the one-sided account are likely to reinforce
their position. As time goes on and given the complaints of the initiating
party, he or she finally confronts their spouse with the news and demands a
divorce. With time, the spouse catches up emotionally, admits defeat and
succumbs to the divorce process of the initiating party.
Perhaps this couple hasn’t been to marital therapy,
or if they did, maybe it was an inexperienced or unhelpful therapist. In any
event, like a train running downhill on the strength of its own momentum, the
separation and divorce moves along.
With children involved, the couple may attend for
mediation or an assessment to determine the ongoing care of the children, post
separation/divorce. Again, the process moves along.
Somewhere along the way though, couples are advised
to take a second and sometimes a third look at the marriage. The question must
be asked, “Is this marriage really dead?”
There can be many factors leading to divorce, none
of which have to do with a bad marriage.
Parties can be thrown off-track by poor advice given
by otherwise well-intentioned friends, family, colleagues and even therapists.
Wrong notions can be reinforced. Sometimes just the embarrassment of returning
to a relationship when having complained about it can cause some folks to chug
on to divorce.
If a marriage is unsatisfactory, it behooves the
parties to consider and seek marital counseling - together. Address matters with
your spouse forthrightly and seek a resolution, particularly before taking
matters to family, friends, colleagues or lawyers.
Divorce does not have to be an inevitability to
marital discord. In fact, most marriages will experience turmoil at some time or
another. The degree to which people can ride through, adapt, change or
accommodate, marriage can provide an even greater sense of satisfaction. Before
pronouncing your marriage dead, reconsider if this is the direction you truly
want to take or whether the marriage deserves another chance at life. Check the
pulse because momentum is hardly a good excuse for divorce.
If you are the family, friend or colleague to whom people turn,
consider only one piece of advice… see a marital therapist. Certainly think
twice yourself before adding your weight to the momentum of someone else’s
divorce.
Gary Direnfeld is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique
on a Section 112 (social work) report.
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