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Parents learn that bribery does not work; that they
cannot buy good behaviour… and the parents are correct.
The problem here is not with the parent, but with
miscommunication on the part of parenting experts. We need to clarify what is
meant by reinforcement and the difference between that and bribery.
Bribery is paying BEFORE behaviour is delivered.
With bribery, parents pay in advance for the “promise” of delivery. However,
with payment already in hand, many kids fail to deliver. The child, having
already received payment, falls short on delivery while still enjoying the
payment. The parent feels deceived or taken advantage of, which in turn leaves
parents even more frustrated than when they started.
Rather than buying behaviour, reinforcement is
based upon paying AFTER delivery. So rather than buying behaviour, we are
rewarding behaviour that has already been delivered. Big difference.
There is a very good reason most companies have
policies against pay advances. Even in adult behaviour, the likelihood of
delivery is less when they are paid in advance. When homeowners negotiate with
contractors for home renovations, they negotiate a partial payment to cover some
expenses in advance and a “holdback” in order to maintain the motivation
of the contractor to finish the job to agreed upon standards.
So the difference between bribery and reinforcement
is that with bribery the reward comes before delivery and with reinforcement,
the reward come after delivery. This rule is also known as Grandma’s Rule,
“Finish your dinner, then you get desert.” The trick is for the parent to
not back down even in the face of the child’s arguments; dinner first, desert
second.
Reinforcement is a reasonable approach to shaping
behaviour. Let’s face it, few adults would continue in their job without a
paycheck at the end. The paycheck for kids however, does not have to be money or
extravagant gifts. Just as parents appreciate recognition for their contribution
at work, kids appreciate recognition for their efforts and contributions at home
and school.
In the absence of such
recognition-reward-reinforcement, kids like adults, feel unappreciated, then
disconnected and then resentful. The same process that leads to disgruntled
employees leads to disruptive kids. Flip side is, reward given as recognition,
attention and appreciation after deliver, goes a long way to improving
relationships and increases the likelihood of future delivery… on the same
terms.
Hopefully this clarifies the difference between
bribery and reinforcement. Your kid cleaned up… let them know how pleased you
are.
Gary Direnfeld is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique
on a Section 112 (social work) report.
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